I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
