thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize