Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
