I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
