I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
