I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
