I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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