Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
