first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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