I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
