Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
