zippers are such a cool invention
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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