I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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