she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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