how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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