Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
