You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
