He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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