when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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