why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
