i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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