The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
