I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
