I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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