i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
