I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
