he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
