He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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