Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
