Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
