Got a toothbrush?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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