my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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