I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
