he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
