I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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