I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Sext me about skeletons
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
