At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
