Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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