I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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