I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
