my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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