My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
