Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
