I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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