Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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