My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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