Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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