I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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