he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
