u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
