If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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