you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize