no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
