I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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