Don't make out with my wife yet
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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