You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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