I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
