His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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