Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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