ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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