Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
one might say we're banned from that church
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
