Will you blow on my dice?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
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