I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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