if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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