I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
is wine microwaveable?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
