if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
