If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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